James’ Death - My Grief Journey + Helpful Resources
James’ Death
“He’s in a better place now”, James' father said to me in the hospital lobby.
Trying to grasp what he meant, I asked, “Did he die?”. “Yes”, he replied.
The blood drained from my face. My world came crashing down around me. I went into shock.
I don’t know where the strength came from that carried me through that day. James’ father (thank god), sorted out all the logistics; his casket, transportation and all the other things that need to be done when someone dies.
I felt - sort of ethereal - that day; like I was in the world and not of it.
The journey home felt long and heavy, yet as I looked out of the car window; I felt the warmth of the sun on my face and James’ spirit reassuring me that everything would be ok. I saw the beauty of the afternoon sun casting golden light upon the trees and fields and I felt connected to god, to the divine, to source.
In Nicaragua, the day that someone passes away a “Vela” (a ceremony) is held at the family's home. The entire community comes to pay their respects and say prayers for the dead person's journey beyond earth. Usually people stay the whole night until the sun rises the next day.
At the Vela, I was thankful for all the people that had come. I felt supported and held.
The next day, the funeral happened. It all felt surreal. I felt as if I was outside my body watching it all happen.
When I awoke the next day, all I could think about was getting back to England to be with my family. I booked a flight for the following day, threw some things in my suitcase, said some tearful goodbyes to my community and made my way to the airport.
My mum greeted me at the airport in London. She held me. I felt numb.
I spent the next few days moping around my mothers house. Reading, sleeping, gardening and getting out every day for a long walk in the countryside.
I planned a memorial walk for James and invited all my friends and family. It was their presence and love that gave me strength.
I made a ritual out of the weeks following James death where I wrote poems, letters, meditated to connect with him and ceremoniously gathered photographs to make a memory book.
My grief journey
I understand that healing takes time and there is no way of avoiding it - no matter how painful it might be. I am grateful to have the means to simply be, move gently whilst seeking resources to help me heal.
Having a somatic therapist has been my anchor throughout my grieving process. I have a safe and intimate container to share my experiences and express all my emotions. To have at least one person with whom I can do this with - for me is invaluable!
Here are a few feelings I experienced in the first few months of grief and how I managed them:
Anxiety
After landing in England and feeling safe in my mothers home, the anxiety appeared. It usually came on at night when I was just about to fall asleep. Every time I was about to drift off, a horrific image would flash across my mind and jerk me awake; my heart racing.
It also often happened when I was traveling. I remember when I was about to take a bus journey; feeling intense pangs of anxiety. My thoughts were racing. The main thought was; “What if I have a panic attack on this bus?”. As with all bouts of anxiety, eventually it subsides.
What helped me through the anxiety:
Tapping
Breathwork
Pressing acupressure points
Self-massage
Calming music
Yoga Nidra
Guided meditations
Essential oils
Crystals
Movement
Tea; Passionflower, Chamomile
Somatic and Embodiment Practices
During the worst of the anxiety I remember thinking, “I would rather feel depressed, than feel this anxiety”.. And then the sadness came...
Sadness
The day that James died, I came on my monthly bleed and the next month when it appeared again I could not stop crying. It seemed to become a trigger.
Sadness comes in waves. Sometimes, my brain feels numb.
After each Somatic therapy session, I feel more empowered and better able to be with my emotions; creating a friendly dialogue with them and strengthening my connection with my body. I’ve gained tools to help me move out of the sadness if it lingers a little too long..
What has helped me with the sadness:
Lions’ mane and Reishi Supplements
Cacao
Walking and being in nature
Gardening
Somatic therapy and counseling
Making art-work, memory books, writing and poetry
Making a photo album of my son
Meditating to communicate with James
Grief and Spirituality
There are some things we humans cannot understand… but that didn’t stop me from searching for answers! I dove into the topic of death, life and existence and what I found gave me great comfort.
Here are a few books I have read in the last few months that supported me through the grief:
Deepak Chopra - life after death
Tibetan Book of the dead
Brian Weiss - Many lives, Many masters; Same soul, Many bodies
Malidoma Patrice Some - Ritual: Power, Healing, Community
I also had some sessions with Psychics and Mediums to communicate with James and gain comfort from the spirit realm.
It is common for people to experience regret, guilt and anger when grieving. My experience of these emotions has been fleeting. I believe this is largely due to my spiritual connection and faith in a higher order. This doesn’t take away from the immense pain of losing my child - still I focus on the feeling and expansion of love I have for him, gratitude for the wonderful, precious time that we spent together and peace knowing that James is living a beautiful life beyond earth.
We may feel regret, guilt and anger but the only thing that is really true is the love we share.
